Awakening – The Power Of Saying No!

Recently I read a great post from Sue of Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary. She wrote about how our own awakening inspires others, how she discovered her inner child and how she was able to embrace it. Please read her post here. I got stuck with the subject Awakening.

To me, we have continuous awakenings throughout our lives. Every day gives us another piece of a picture. Every completed picture is an awakening. But every completed picture is again only a piece of another bigger picture. Awakening is a process. Awakening to one aspect can solve lots of misunderstandings at the same time. One of the most impactful kinds of awakening is learning to say NO! When that is learned lots of issues disappear automatically. In the following example, I talk about how I learned it 13 years ago.

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This is not meant as a rant or complaint. I just want you to get how I felt: I never felt welcome with my in-laws. I was kind of tolerated but had no voice at all. I was manipulated and not asked about decisions. I was more or less informed. And if ever I had a different opinion I was talked down to the ground, was called unsocial, inflexible, greedy, ignorant, and much more. Often I was “asked” for “lending” my daughter in order to let my sister-in-law (psychologist) and her husband play parents and “impress” others. Often she called and said: “I feel the need to see her again.” My stomach was cramping. If I had no solid reason to say No, I was talked to pieces. I also could never rely on her. She was always late (30 minutes or more) and exceptions were the rule.

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It happened that I did say No because there was our national holiday coming up and I wanted my family being together on that day and doing something together although we had no scheduled plans yet which we actually don’t need as a family. Anyway, my hands were shaking and my stomach was one stone when she was on the phone discussing my opinion. In the end, she said: “I think we have to talk. You can tell me about your problems, I already have a theory about it.” Now I was ready to throw up. I couldn’t eat anything.

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The next day my kids and I had a play date with a friend and her kids at the playground. Although I tried my best she noticed that something was wrong with me. I started telling her cautiously because she knew my sister-in-law well. But right that turned out to the blessing. She understood me fully and she saw her the same way I did. She said: “She is that way. At times, my husband cannot listen anymore to her talking. Thank God, we are only friends because I can imagine where you are going through.” I started talking and talking and all of a sudden, I stopped and BANG! Here it was: THE insight:

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I always felt like explaining and justifying myself in order to get understanding. But I realized that I don’t even need her understanding or approval. That again makes justifying and explaining absolutely superfluous. It was THE moment when I learned to say NO. A No without going along with an explanation. I don’t need to justify anything. Sometimes you even can’t. It is a feeling. And my feeling was: “I don’t want it. It doesn’t feel good to me! The decision is made and I feel fine with that.”

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In the evening, it was me calling my sister-in-law and telling her that I don’t need a talk expect she wanted me to tell her about her problems. I even thanked her seriously for pushing me in this direction in order to learn to say No. She did not understand anything I was talking about. But I was walking on air. It was an awakening to myself. The frist glimpse. It was the beginning of standing up for myself and for slowly hearing that silent voice within again.

From that moment on I said No and Yes when I meant it. And I learned something else: I could let my sister-in-law be. I was not about me. She only had that power over me because I granted it to her. But finding out that it is not important if she understands or even respect me destroyed that power. I don’t take her actions and words personally anymore. I learned this regarding everybody!

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Striving for approval and fear of being questioned or criticized can be such a prison. Awakening to saying No is a very impactful and profound kind of awakening. It is backing up ourselves. Yes, it is backing up our inner child. If the only reason for saying Yes is feeling guilty or obliged draws energy and gives a feeling of frustration and helplessness. It makes discontent and gives the feeling of being used.  The problem is, that when we are not saying No the others won’t ever stop consuming us. Someone who doesn’t dare to say No hopes that the others have mercy and stop by themselves.  But no way! As long as they are joining the game they will be used even if it is noticed that they are only doing it because they feel compelled to do it.

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The first time saying No without any feelings of guilt ignites a powerful flame within. It is the beginning of believing in oneself again. It is liberation and a feeling of freedom because we see that the limitation we felt was only an attitude but not a fact. It is absolutely life changing. From that moment on we can feel that in the end the power over our feelings, possibilities, choices is only up to the individual not to anyone else. We can give them the power but we can also take it anymore.

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Learning to say No is like breaking the chain of domination you were tied to and walking the direction you really want – your direction!

Please don’t forget to check out Sue’s post 😊!

In Love and Light!

About the Author

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The purpose of my blog is to inspire and shine a light on the beauty and power of the wonderful being inside your body. You came into this world to share what only you can give. Remember who you really are, conquer the world the way you always wanted to, and become the blessing to us all that you were meant to be.

82 Comments

That is the point! But as long as you say yes, you don’t realize it strong enough. I think there really has to come that point when you break the chain because the pressure gets too much! Thank you for that comment, Marissa. You summed it up perfectly!

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I definitely believe so! That’s why I appreciate this platform so much to talk about it. When people see that they are not the only one struggling with certain things it can already help to make them stronger!

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Hmm… but you might not have understood me at that time. Once because you were not ready and second because I had a lack of writing and English knowledge at that time…. lol!

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A wonderful message Erika. Having the confidence to say “no”, or to simply to express alternative opinions, is so important if we are to realize our true potential as unique beings. Of course we will offend some people but, as somebody once said “Those who matter won’t mind, and those who mind won’t matter!”

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Thank you very much for reading and leaving such a valuable comment, Colin! That is so important what you say here “we realize our true potential as uniwue beings”. Absolutly, those who expect a yes from us might be offended or even mad. That is the fear many have and therefore stick with yes. But once we understand that those people basically cannot do anyhing about it leads over that. I love that quote. It hits the nail on the head! Thank you very much, Colin!

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Erika this is I think the MOST important lesson for us all to learn from.. It took me years of being a Yes person, trying to please others.. Even in my career, I climbed my various ladders always aiming to please and when someone said Jump I obliged and probably went one step further by saying how high 🙂 so to speak..
Looking back I was conditioned to please, for I was seeking approval.. And my own childhood as the eldest of 5 siblings always being there to look after them was in a way my own way of wanting my Mother’s approval and most importantly her love..
Some people are just dominant and controlling, your sister-in-law by the sounds of her
Learning to say NO is so self empowering, its giving us permission to express who we are.. We are by saying NO pleasing ourselves to choose what we want.. Rather than oblige others to fit into what they want..

Awakening to ourselves takes us down many different routes of discovering our { Inner child, Inner strength and Inner voice.} We begin to set our selves Free when we say NO to others and say YES to ourselves..
And I am so pleased you found your voice and inner strength to say NO..

Many thanks Erika for the shout out to my post.. This was an excellent one I enjoyed reading very much.. Thank you
Love and Blessings
Sue ❤

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And I barely got such an amazing, detailed and thoughtful comment like you just made here. Your post totally inspired me and my thoughts went back to situations in my life until I landed at that one. That was my first conscious experience of awakening.
You are absolutely right, when we are tending to see our self-worth in saying yes to everything others want from us, dominant people have an easy game with us. Mostly that saying yes goes along with insecurity and a lack of self-esteem which also causes fear from the reaction of the other person. Once the frustration and supression gets bigger than the fear we finally break the chain. I am also the oldest of three but I had to be the role model, the strong one, the “boy”. I had a dominant father too and a no was not accepted….. but that time is over!
Sue, you have no idea how much I appreciat your comment. I hope that man read it. It is wonderful and encouraging what you wrote. I love how you wrote: “We begin to set our selves Free when we say NO to others and say YES to ourselves.” May I quote you with this?

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Thank you Dear Erika.. I am so pleased you like my comment.. and Yes of course you may use anything I leave here.. 🙂 And would be honoured for you to use it in any way you wish.. Love and Hugs.. xxx

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Erika, this is an excellent post and terrific advice, based on your experiences. By saying “no” we are not ceding our control to another. When we do, the act of ceding causes disharmony. Well done, my friend. Keith

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Absolutely true! We keep the control and at the same time we take responsibilty for our decision. Saying yes might often be the easier way and also a way of blaming others of what we “are obliged” to do. Thank you for your reading for commenting in your thoiughtful and kind way, Keith! I appreciate it very much!

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This is very interesting and very good!!!!! I have this problem totally and my daughter always tells me, Do not explain or excuse yourself for saying no. Just say no, you do not need to explain it’s your right to say no. So reading your post hit home! I was the “nice” “good” “helpful” girl and was inside doing my grama’s dishes, helping, when other kids played outside! I was the supporter, the nice one! Well, that locked me in and I felt my worth was in being GOOD! I have come a long way but still struggle with this issue! I want your freedom Erika hahaha! Great post!

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Only because I say No doesn’t mean that I am steadfast all the time…. but at least most times. I totally see what you are telling here. And I remember myself in that a lot. “When you are nice, then you are rewarded with love.”And the mean thing is that this attitude is often so abused.
But Lynn, you did say no, even if you were scared, but you said no, for the sake of you and your children. Something that is rooted so deep and had time to grow for so long, cannot be cleared out just in an instant. But a moment of awarenes gets the process in motion. And step by step it will work itself out. It is then not stop the process again, but to go with it and let it leave piece by piece. You have a smart daughter btw. and you know what? She wouldn’t be who she is without you! 💖

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I don’t know why I didn’t see your reply Erika but came here to your blog to search and yeah here it is! I was out working yeah! Anyway thanks for what you said! I appreciate your love and kindness and your wonderful post!

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Sometimes it is weird with the reply or comment notifications. I exprience it too at times that some get lost in the viewer. I am glad you made the effort to check at the post. I don’t want you to think I wouldn’t reply. Thank you so much for always reading and commenting. It is wonderful that I may share this all with you. You are very much appreciated, Lynn 💖

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So true! To say how to and to stick with it, if we mean it. That has nothing to do with being not cooperative but with sticking to yourself. If others cannot accept a no of what value would be a yes?

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I used to have a very hard time saying no too. There’s times when I still do. I don’t care as much anymore. You’re right, we don’t have to give anyone an explanation on why we choose to say no. Good post, Erika 🙂

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Thank you, Lisa! I think we really need to get pushed to the point where we even scream “Nooooo” because we feel so opressed that it is the only way to break free. And that is THE moment! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Lisa. I appreciate that a lot!

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That’s wonderful! Reminds me of a saying, let your yes be yes and your no be no. I don’t allow myself to take a stand on something if I know I’m going to change my mind later, I know myself too well!

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That is great what you say here. Sometimes we can say whether yes or no and then we should not let us force a decision we regret later. I like that thought a lot. Thank you, Vonita!

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