Recently I read a great post from Sue of Dreamwalker’s Sanctuary. She wrote about how our own awakening inspires others, how she discovered her inner child and how she was able to embrace it. Please read her post here. I got stuck with the subject Awakening.
To me, we have continuous awakenings throughout our lives. Every day gives us another piece of a picture. Every completed picture is an awakening. But every completed picture is again only a piece of another bigger picture. Awakening is a process. Awakening to one aspect can solve lots of misunderstandings at the same time. One of the most impactful kinds of awakening is learning to say NO! When that is learned lots of issues disappear automatically. In the following example, I talk about how I learned it 13 years ago.
This is not meant as a rant or complaint. I just want you to get how I felt: I never felt welcome with my in-laws. I was kind of tolerated but had no voice at all. I was manipulated and not asked about decisions. I was more or less informed. And if ever I had a different opinion I was talked down to the ground, was called unsocial, inflexible, greedy, ignorant, and much more. Often I was “asked” for “lending” my daughter in order to let my sister-in-law (psychologist) and her husband play parents and “impress” others. Often she called and said: “I feel the need to see her again.” My stomach was cramping. If I had no solid reason to say No, I was talked to pieces. I also could never rely on her. She was always late (30 minutes or more) and exceptions were the rule.
It happened that I did say No because there was our national holiday coming up and I wanted my family being together on that day and doing something together although we had no scheduled plans yet which we actually don’t need as a family. Anyway, my hands were shaking and my stomach was one stone when she was on the phone discussing my opinion. In the end, she said: “I think we have to talk. You can tell me about your problems, I already have a theory about it.” Now I was ready to throw up. I couldn’t eat anything.
The next day my kids and I had a play date with a friend and her kids at the playground. Although I tried my best she noticed that something was wrong with me. I started telling her cautiously because she knew my sister-in-law well. But right that turned out to the blessing. She understood me fully and she saw her the same way I did. She said: “She is that way. At times, my husband cannot listen anymore to her talking. Thank God, we are only friends because I can imagine where you are going through.” I started talking and talking and all of a sudden, I stopped and BANG! Here it was: THE insight:
I always felt like explaining and justifying myself in order to get understanding. But I realized that I don’t even need her understanding or approval. That again makes justifying and explaining absolutely superfluous. It was THE moment when I learned to say NO. A No without going along with an explanation. I don’t need to justify anything. Sometimes you even can’t. It is a feeling. And my feeling was: “I don’t want it. It doesn’t feel good to me! The decision is made and I feel fine with that.”
In the evening, it was me calling my sister-in-law and telling her that I don’t need a talk expect she wanted me to tell her about her problems. I even thanked her seriously for pushing me in this direction in order to learn to say No. She did not understand anything I was talking about. But I was walking on air. It was an awakening to myself. The frist glimpse. It was the beginning of standing up for myself and for slowly hearing that silent voice within again.
From that moment on I said No and Yes when I meant it. And I learned something else: I could let my sister-in-law be. I was not about me. She only had that power over me because I granted it to her. But finding out that it is not important if she understands or even respect me destroyed that power. I don’t take her actions and words personally anymore. I learned this regarding everybody!
Striving for approval and fear of being questioned or criticized can be such a prison. Awakening to saying No is a very impactful and profound kind of awakening. It is backing up ourselves. Yes, it is backing up our inner child. If the only reason for saying Yes is feeling guilty or obliged draws energy and gives a feeling of frustration and helplessness. It makes discontent and gives the feeling of being used. The problem is, that when we are not saying No the others won’t ever stop consuming us. Someone who doesn’t dare to say No hopes that the others have mercy and stop by themselves. But no way! As long as they are joining the game they will be used even if it is noticed that they are only doing it because they feel compelled to do it.
The first time saying No without any feelings of guilt ignites a powerful flame within. It is the beginning of believing in oneself again. It is liberation and a feeling of freedom because we see that the limitation we felt was only an attitude but not a fact. It is absolutely life changing. From that moment on we can feel that in the end the power over our feelings, possibilities, choices is only up to the individual not to anyone else. We can give them the power but we can also take it anymore.
Learning to say No is like breaking the chain of domination you were tied to and walking the direction you really want – your direction!
Please don’t forget to check out Sue’s post 😊!
In Love and Light!