Flow………… take a deep breath………… flow…………… whatever you have in mind please let it flow for a moment. Just flow. If you are not able to do that then stop reading and get back later. Take a break and breath …………

Sometimes we are caught between appointments, obligations, and routines. We simply function. We don’t even think about why we are doing what we do, we just do it. OK, at times it is better not to think about some things we need to do or we would freak out… lol!!! But it is more this unconscious and stereotypical acting in order to simply get everything done.  I don’t say skip things – sometimes simply everything accumulates. But if you can skip things!

I experienced myself packing my days. Not because there really was so much to do but in order to make others see how much of a powerful woman I have been. I managed my three children, joined my singing classes and worked as a professional singer, started new education, organized everything around the family, and took care of the house and garden. I did everything 200%. But why? Because I was running so low on self-esteem. Although I had a lot to do, kept everything more than clean and tidy, and always cared for a nice and cozy home, I felt like never doing enough. I went to work only half a day at that time. Although I did not really want to do more because I liked my flexibility I thought that my surrounding would not respect and appreciate me because I was only a “housewife” with some activities around. I was frustrated and took over more obligations only in order to make others see how busy I am and how perfectly I accomplished everything.

Yes, I got everything done… but… I was nervous, got moody, lost energy, and was always planning, organizing, and chasing my kids around in order to have everything under control. It was horror. Horror for me but also for the kids. When they got sick I felt lost…… my schedule, my holy schedule…  I wasn’t a good mom at all as you can read here. One day I asked myself: “What am I doing here? Why am I doing this?”

I realized for the first time in my life that I did not do it for myself but to impress others and even sacrificed my children. And the crazy part was, that I wanted to impress people who let me down, lied to me, manipulated, and fooled me again and again. I asked myself why I wore myself out in order to impress someone who is not even worth it. I even blamed them for forcing me into doing this all in order to impress them. How sick is that? They will never change for me to have an easier life ……….. and I paused. I stopped being the perfect cook and at times I bought a cake instead of baking one. I stopped making new decorations by myself for Easter and Christmas every single year. I stopped cleaning where everything was already clean. I granted myself half an hour a day for reading. I calmed down. I looked at my children and started to enjoy watching their development instead of trying to develop them. I stopped making them fit into my schedule but organized my schedule around their well-being. I did not feel guilty anymore when I did…. nothing! Because I deserved to do nothing. I was doing enough and finally understood that I was not obliged to prove anything to anyone. And the power came back.

Today I would say that I even do a lot more than before, but I do it because it is part of me, because it developed from who I am and not from who I thought I should be. That means my whole power within me also surrounds me and nurtures itself from everything that comes back again. I started to love my life, to love myself, to love what I do, and to do what I love. I started to feel myself again. This opened up paths and new doors I have never seen before. Life got brighter and more colorful. Actually, I finally got an idea of what life could be and should be about.

Stop…… pause…… flow……. Step back and look at your life. Do you love what you do? And if not, can you change something or simply skip something to get more room to breathe? What was fitting is not meant to fit all your life. Make room for yourself wherever possible. Never feel guilty for doing that. Only then do you gain the real power in order to achieve things of value and persistence? Because only then you are giving a piece of yourself. Live your life and stop trying to live the life others want you to live….. or what you believe they might want.

In Love and Light