The Line From Communicating To Justifying

The past two weeks were most inspiring regarding this topic. I encountered several examples both in my private and in my work life in many ways.

There is a natural need within us that we want to be understood. We want to feel accepted for who we are and that means that people need to be able to see who we are. Oh, how can we be misunderstood when we are doing something out of a reflex due to our experiences of our past? As we ourselves do, others look out of their own eyes too with their own experiences in their mind storage. What they see, they put in relation with their own mindset. If a particular person means a lot to us or they play an important role in our lives, of course, we should let them know in order that misunderstandings cannot build a wall. If there is one misunderstanding that is not clarified many others can accumulate until one day that wall separates both totally.

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Exchanging is a very important point in relationships. Staying in touch with each other also means sharing feelings about happenings and daily situations. It means, letting the other one be part of my own life, of my emotions, about what makes me happy and sad, about my dreams and visions. It means being part of another person’s life and be invited to their thoughts and dreams too. It is most wonderful to share the same dream. And if not then at least both understand why because they told each other! I even see it as a sign of respect and a way of caring for one another. Because I too want to know how the other one is doing, where they are going and developing. Then I feel as a fully accepted and integrated part of the other person. And I want the other one feeling the same way. It is a wonderful feeling to be so much part of one another. Yes, it makes feeling important.

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And that can be that crucial point. This feeling should not become a driving force. When one gets dependent for the other one’s attention, the vicious circle starts. There may be situations when one simply cannot or doesn’t want to understand. Then at one point we need to stop explaining. Otherwise, we risk falling into that dependency of the other one’s approval. Both people are not on the same level anymore: There is the one who refuses to understand and the other one who desperately wants to be understood. The second one may start to identify their value with being seen. No matter what kind of relationship that is…. it is not healthy and this too builds up a wall over time.

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I know how easy it is to slip into that justify mode. I lived it for decades. It was coupled with my self-esteem and the value I felt for myself. Then the line appears even thinner between exchanging and falling into that dependency to be understood in order to survive. But no matter how your openness was treated in the past. Keep sharing your world with the people you consider important or with the ones who need to know more about you in order to get your person better (like in a new job). But whether they understand or not – in the end, it is up to them. When you shared the information, your job is done. There isn’t anymore. You are amazing the way you are! I that is not appreciated… send them love and stop explaining!

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In Love and Light

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57 Comments

Wow for a great post, Erika 😀
This is so true and we really need to remember, that we are worth other souls respect, when we do our best to open up and share our thoughts. If they don’t get it, they are not worthy to share with, no matter they are partners or friends.

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Thank you very much for letting me know about it. That is a very valuable information! It is well ad often experienced until to the point where moving on was the only reasonable solution. Thank you so much for reading and for your wonderful comment!

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What a fantastic post. If I may add some thoughts (and I might drift away from what this is all about…):
I think that some people never truly listen to you and they never truly want to see who you really are. They also do not want to hear what you truly have to say. It’s about listening with an open heart and mind and taking the other person in for who they really are. Some refuse. And it’s really exhausting to try to make them see and try to explain that what they think they heard is not really what was said. People like that you have to let go. As they will never change and it will drain your energy to try to make them see.
It all comes down to truly listening, truly see and opening up our mind and heart to do so. As long as we stick to what we expect and on the other side what others expect from us. Our true message will never be put out there and for sure not received.

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Sandra, this is not drifting away at all! This is exactly the point! Those people are the reason why the other party gets lost in explaining and explaining not realizing that the other one is not interested in understanding at all. They cannot (or don’t want) step aside and concentrate on the other person. That is exactly what is behind this all. We can explain from which side ever we want. We will never be understood as long as there is no open heart and mind that is willing to see us! You nailed it perfectly! At one point we need to realize that and move on or accept that they are blind for us. Thank you so much! That was awesome comment, Sandra!

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This is touching too what you said. We should not get attached to people who are not interested in us but only in what we could give. It is not easy and for sure not always possible. But in the end we need to listen to ourselves and turn around when we are hitting a wall too often. Thank you very much for your thoughtful words, my friend!

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Absolutely Erika! ❤ That’s a good way of looking at things, I really like that! There is no good nor bad. Things simply are! What do you think when people say something is black or white? Is there shades of gray too? Or…it just is I guess. Humans sometimes make things more complicated than they need to be!

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For sure there are shades. That is the subjective perception! And each perception is a truth. I don’t know if there is really a black and white existing or if we only have a black or white thinking. Perhaps it all is a shiny orange…. 😄

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Sometimes there is really no need to explain. And the more you try to explain, the more convulated it becomes. And it sounds more like a self fulfilling prophecy. I like that thought..send them love. Don’t bother explaining. The proverb sums it all well. Thankso for sharing, Erika!

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I love what you wrote, Ann: “the more you try to explain, the more convulated it becomes. And it sounds more like a self fulfilling prophecy.” I couldn’t agree more. Right: Don’t bother explaining. Because the ones who care don’t even need long explanations. Thank you very much for your wonderful comment, Ann! 💖

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Aw..thank you for the kind acknowledgement, Erika. Definitely agree with “those who care don’t need long explanations”. It’s a waste of time trying to explain when they have decided that however you explain, they just refuse to see it. Safe that energy for something else, somewhere else. Explaining (too much) can be tiring. 🙂

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