My little post from two weeks ago Fake It Till You Make It triggered some very interesting and inspiring conversations. It also led to thoughts about how to overcome fear. Someone who was never limited and ruled by fears cannot understand what a liberation it is to break through those fears and see life in a completely new light. It is like standing above a mountain, and overlooking all the options and possibilities that suddenly appear, while understanding that they have always been there.
I want to talk about that mystery, “fear”, and how the journey through its fog makes us step out of it and into a life that has always been waiting for us. In my opinion, fear is nothing we are born with. Maybe some have more ambitions to develop them than others, but I believe that fear is caused in our childhood by how we are raised and treated, what we experience, how those experiences are stored in our young minds, what the people around us tell us about our experience, and how we watch them deal with life.
I am not a psychologist, nothing like that. I am just interested in life, how we go through it, and what leads to what. I simply love looking behind the curtain and seeing how one thing leads to another. So, whatever I write here (and in my books) is drawn from my experiences and observations. Yours may be different, and if so, please feel free to share in the comments.
I am that way, it is my destiny:
When we were not used to sharing our opinions freely without being questioned, laughed at, humiliated, or even punished for them, we might hide them and think that whatever we believe is wrong. We might wait for others to tell their opinions so that we know what we are “safe” to say. If we were taught to follow a particular mindset (which was not ours), we got insecure and confused about trusting ourselves. Then the fear of saying the wrong thing and making decisions for which we are responsible -even as adults – becomes an overwhelming obstacle. We never learned to listen to our inner voice but to silence it. What follows is constant self-doubt (since you never know if you are “right”) and low self-esteem – the loss of trust in ourselves. All of it can turn into a vicious circle. The consequence is that people even believe they are built and meant to be that way. Since life can be overwhelming, they hide behind their safe habits and thought patterns… and who they actually are sinks deeper into a black hole inside of them.
No, That’s Not Me or Who I Want To Be:
No matter how much you “forget yourself,” as you get older, there are more and more situations where you realize there’s something inside you that doesn’t fit the image you’ve trained yourself to project. Something “disrupts” the pattern. At first, this is also frightening because it doesn’t fit into the usual routine. But it is the true self slowly resurfacing, reminding the person that it is time to reconnect with oneself in order to finally live the life one was truly meant to live. There will be events in which one feels torn. You’ll be afraid to break away from your familiar routine because you feel a sense of security in it – a security for which you believe you don’t have to take responsibility. Nevertheless, the inner tensions will grow ever greater, and eventually you’ll look, even if you’re so afraid of that black hole in which you’ve hidden everything that isn’t right with you.
I Am More:
When we encounter a wall of fog, it looks dense and impenetrable from a distance. But as we get closer and step into it, we suddenly see more than we had imagined. It’s exactly the same with our “black hole.” We don’t even want to face it because we don’t know what painful things we might find inside. Sometimes we observe it from afar and see only this wall of fog. But if we dare to look into it just once, we will find indescribable treasures. We realize that everything we believed was wrong with us is actually exactly what makes us special. It is what we’ve been missing to feel whole. It is our personal values, our passions, and all the dreams we denied ourselves because we were afraid of being cast aside for them.
Starting The Journey:
The moment comes when we are no longer willing to be controlled by beliefs and thought patterns that are not our own. We begin to analyze and compare. We consider what feels like me and what feels like remotely controlled. We come up against one boundary after another, and each one requires all our courage to leave the familiar behind and venture into the unknown. Although we are afraid, it is better than staying in the old prison. Life is only this long, and we finally want to live. Piece by piece and layer by layer, we drop more of who we are not. Every step we take, every decision we make, every dream we begin to follow has a different mindset and perspective than before. From there, our experiences are different. The people in our lives change towards us, or some leave, and new ones enter. It can be so confusing, and yet it’s exciting to realize how we’re starting to live. Sometimes we reach the edge of the bearable, but we know what we are doing it for. And just when we least expect it, we seem to be ready for THE big realization that changes everything. The moment when we truly and deeply realize that our fears are only thoughts we chose to think – regardless of why!
Breaking Through:
The realization that our thoughts have always been our choice is one of the biggest insights I can imagine. Because it makes us realize that we can change our thoughts, change the way we think, which changes our entire outlook on ourselves, our life, life in general, and the world. Once that moment arrives, it is as if we instantly realize that a misunderstanding we have lived with for decades has been resolved in a single instant. The insight is clear and positively overwhelming. A huge weight drops in a single moment. It is so much that we understand that it takes a while to sort it all. We feel unstoppable because we eventually understood that we don’t have to fear anything unless we choose to. The world is open to us, and no one can do anything about it. We are not afraid anymore whether others agree with our change or not because it is our personal life, our journey, our responsibility, heck, it is our life! What happened back then may not have been pleasant, but it brought us to a point in our lives where we can appreciate what freedom can mean. If we had never been imprisoned by ourselves, we would never have gained such insight into this depth.
When I reached that point, only three days later, I started writing my first book, “I’m Free – Awareness of Who You Are by Discovering Who You Are Not”. I was no longer afraid to share my deepest fears and my biggest insights by then. I just had to write about this realization because it was so life-changing that I didn’t want anyone else to suffer unnecessarily from the same misunderstanding. We are the masters of our thoughts, no matter what thoughts. We can change them – we can change! It may not be done in a week, but there are so many small breakthrough moments that prove that we are on the right path, until we reach the big explosion that blows off the shell that kept us from living. First, it was a shelter; later, a prison. But the key to getting out of it has always been in our hands!
On this occasion, I would like to invite you to let me know if there is something you would like me to write about.
In Love and Light
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Great follow up post. As you said, we are not born with fear but it is a byproduct of our interactions from childhood to teen to adult. It becomes a defense mechanism to keep us from breaking conditioned systems/routine we grow accustomed to. I like your analogy about being at the mountain and finally seeing all that there is which was there all along. Fear remains an illusion not a restraining order.
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I would like to know how that awakening was for you? I know it may not help but just briefly, I feel like fear as you said, is something we are conditioned or conditioned to ourselves which we can unlearn.
Fear indeed keeps us from living, I’ve spent all my life in fear, one and a half decade of my life in extreme anxiety, that I just masked it with fake smiles, overcompensating my worth, people pleasing and so on..
When I decided I was gonna face it, my body just reacted in ways, that felt like dying.. a lot of stuff popped up, including my twin flame who actually revealed my attachment issues.. I had to disappear for a while including WordPress..
Now, I just start to feel how tough this journey is, but am still here accepting every pain that comes with shedding old layers of conditioning.
I know I’ll eventually come to the “knowing” that’s why I asked how it was to your case.
Loved your post, it’s real and relatable much love
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Erika, one thing people need to consider – fear sells. Since the dawn of leadership, fear has been used as a motivator to get people to act on behalf of a leader. The incumbent US president uses fear routinely to get people to acquiesce to his wishes. So, if we recognize we are being sold a bill of goods, we can ignore the messenger’s message. Keith
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We get so programmed as we enter this life and move through it. First our parents, then school, friends and later on relationships all affect who we think we are. The fear of rejection is one of the biggest obstacles to face and overcome. We all want to be accepted on some level, to be seen, to feel we have value. But fear is often the one thing that stops us from being our authentic selves and keep us trapped in the cycle of being what we think others need us to be. Have I conquered it all? Not by a long shot, but I’ve come a long way and acknowledge that. A beautiful thought-provoking post, Erika.
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It is my understanding that at the core of us as a species, is a desire to be accepted. That would certainly explain a lot of the behaviour patterns that you note in your post Erika. Sadly our lives are bombarded with reasons to conform. So much advertising promotes the concept that you just have to “use this” or “wear that” in order to be accepted. The whole fashion industry is based on convincing everybody to wear “their” clothing range/ use “their” household products etc. etc. Our parents would have developed ways to bring up their children (us!) based on their experiences (which would have been from rather different times!).
Each of us has had to decide what to accept and what to challenge as we fought to develop our own character. Some changes would have developed from life experiences, while some may have been “adopted” from friends and family.
My major developing years were the late 1950s – 1970’s and so much was happening then. My parents had experienced WW2, anti-establishment/peace movements were common, crooked politicians were getting headlines! No wonder we didn’t feel as if we fit in and, being teenagers, believed that we could change everything!
Considering that my developing years were (to me) rather chaotic, the abrasive aspects of my character were soon being toned down to acknowledge that compromise is an acceptable resolution in so many situations.
Whereas I was initially overpowered by the constant displays of selfish and irresponsible behaviour, I slowly became more aware of humane/caring aspects of our society. I believe I became an “adult” when I could put the extremes of human behaviour into an acceptable balance. i.e. I do not support certain behaviours, but I do accept that they exist.
The “fog of fear” certainly applies to all aspects of our life but, I would suggest, is most prominent in our developing years. Beyond those years, it is more likely to be a specific circumstance which needs to be overcome, or a specific situation which needs to be avoided. “Fear of the unknown” is an interesting term here, because why would we fear what we don’t know? It all becomes supposition on our part that something bad will happen. Of course there may be circumstances which steer our analytical brains in that direction, but it makes so much more sense to explore/research/investigate the scenario in order to determine potential challenges. At best, our fear has no basis. At worst, we know exactly what the ramifications could be and can plan/prepare accordingly.
Another thought provoking post Erika. You are good at this! 🙂
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Now that is a delight to read Erika, it goes down that road called life beautifully. It follows a path so we can ‘see’ those moments of awakening and us daring to take another step into that fearful place and break free in finally understanding the ‘why’ behind it all 🤗
This is a great share kind lady, expressed by someone who has experienced it and can empathise with those moments profoundly. Thank you 🤗❤️🙏
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