A few days ago our dear Carol Anne of Therapy Bits asked in one of her posts: If you knew you had only 24 hours left to live, what would you do?
That question stroke a chord in me. Instantly, I knew what I would do. As I commented at Carol Anne’s post, I would apologize. I would apologize to some particular people (again) and clarify that what I said or did, had much more to do with me than with them. I would want them to know that they are amazing, that it was me who let my ego handle everything, and that although I did not like what I saw I did not interrupt it because I could not manage to break out of my shell. I would say that it was my impatience and dissatisfaction with myself and not them not sufficing. I am fully aware that such apologies need to happen before we only have hours left… if there is time left at all. But the motivation of simply being a better person now and proving it by action is often stronger than the courage to apologize.
Often I write about not taking things personally when we are treated unfairly by others. But what about us? I too behaved unfairly towards some of those who are closest to me. I did take the humiliations I experienced very personally and at some point, I could not handle it anymore and put it on those who did not turn the other cheek. Yes, it is an explanation and maybe it is human but it can never be an excuse. Although I never hurt someone physically, when I was in a rage my words could feel like knives. There is still that demon sitting inside of me. Today it is not hurting others anymore but it reminds me of pictures of the past which cannot be changed anymore… not even by an apology. I am sure that those others would never judge me like I judge myself.
And here we go now: This proves to me that forgiving oneself is the toughest. I realized it since I did apologize to my 3 children about 4 years ago (I wrote about it here and here and they were completely fine. Still, that demon keeps teasing and torturing me from time to time. But now it is only my problem since I made sure they know. The liberation I am feeling at this moment I am writing this is indescribable.
What do I want to say with this post? Most of all:
- Even if you cannot forgive yourself, make sure others know that you regret what happened. If you cannot tell them in person anymore, simply think of them and tell them when even only in your thoughts. They’ll hear it and, by the way, they know anyway.
- Don’t wait with an apology until it is too late. It is those who are left behind who suffer the most again. We never know what our deeds or words left in someone.
- Always know: You are not alone. Don’t think you are the only one who feels such a demon inside. We are here for learning and for progressing in our awareness. Such insights are not meant to punish us but to grow from them.
Thank you, Carol Anne, for the inspiration to this post.
In Love and Light