Would I do it again?

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I am at a point in my life where I find myself at the best place I have ever been. But that is not everything. I find myself at a place where I see that what I believed about life, what I felt for decades in my heart is about to manifest. I perceive myself as a wanderer who lost the compass, then after a while found her direction, and is now standing in front of that path again she recognizes as the path she knew all her life.

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I could only got here because of all the signposts and hints I was given and which I needed to find my orientation again. Not all were nice. Some were rough, some pushed me hard that I stumbled and even fell. But they only showed me what direction not to take. The harder I was hit the clearer was the message: NOT THIS WAY! Sometimes I tried the same wrong way again and I was pushed back even harder in order to finally understand. I thought those people or circumstances would be mean and against me. But that was a misunderstanding. No matter, how they appeared they must have been loving because they pushed me back on my path. It was me who took so long to understand.

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Each (repeated) message was necessary. Sometimes I learned faster and sometimes it took me a while. The more I understood that a slap in my face or a blocked path were signposts  the better I could find my way through the forest. Sometimes there was a blockage in front of me and no other way to go. So I had to climb over it. Wow, I developed huge climbing skills and an attitude of persistence. Sometimes I couldn’t see a thing and I needed to climb a tree or a mountain – not because that was my path but in order to get an important overview and figure out where the trail continues!

isolate-1209275_960_720Sometimes when I was exhausted and felt so lonely on my journey I needed to sit down, get still and rest in order to get aware again why I was doing that all. I knew about that beautiful land on the other side of the forest. I couldn’t see it but in some way, I knew it was there: My home, a particular place that feels so familiar and which was part of myself which kept me connected with the deep feeling that it must be there. That feeling has been my compass!

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Today my life is not as comfortable as it was before but it has gained more color, more content, more meaning. Perhaps I will never even leave the maze of my mind completely but my first domicile is my heart now. Since I moved in there I found that country I always dreamed of. I find everything there. The most wonderful thing is that what I see in there is manifesting in the outside world more and more.

I am thankful for all the signposts, for all the slaps and falls, for all the pushers and offenders. If one was missing, if one of my experiences was missing I would not be where I am today. And I don’t want to be in any different place than where I am today. If I needed to repeat it all in order to arrive here – I would do it again!

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Some time ago I pondered about this and then interesting discussions with several friends happened. One person said that although he is happy with where he is now he would not do the same mistakes again if he could go back with what he knows now. I said, I am not sure about it because if I did not make a certain experience it would lead me into a different direction. He agreed but he said something very meaningful which was about like this: “I am sure that even if I made different decisions I would arrive at this place again – only with a different history!”

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That was amazingly profound. I am convinced that we all have a plan for this lifetime. I already talked about fate and destiny. I believe that there is a fate for everyone, something we will experience, encounter, face in this lifetime, something we have no control over. It is what we wanted to experience (good or bad). How we deal with it and how we get from one point of fate to another is what I call destiny which is in our control. It is like walking through a maze where the entrance and the exit are given but how we go from the entrance to the exit is our personal adventure. I believe that we will always be directed towards our fate.  We feel this fate in our hearts. Sometimes it is like a beautiful dream, an inner feeling we carry within all our lives and then again it is only the knowing of the soul what is still waiting for us. So the good news is that whatever decisions we make we will arrive where we are supposed to arrive. It is only a different way of approaching – a different history!

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Now, if I had the chance to go back in my life with the knowing I have today, would I make the same decisions again? I don’t know. Perhaps I would make the same decisions again when it is most of all about myself. But for sure, I would act differently regarding my children. I would be more patient because it hurts so much to look back and see their confusion when I expected too much from them. I wrote about it here. But other than that I am glad that going back is not an option anyway. And honestly, I don’t care because I am thankful for where and who I am today and with all the knowing I have today I am looking forward to where and what I will be tomorrow. Because I know that I am always on my way home!

In Love and Light

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90 Comments

A terrific read, Erika. Like many of the other comments, I am of the view that if I were able to go back and change anything, then maybe life will have been completely different for me? Maybe I would not have met my partner, maybe I would not have had the courage to start writing again, maybe I would not have discovered that dreams can come true? It’s an interesting conversation and one that will always create a lot of debate and comments. If only I had a time machine. But then I’d have to be very careful not to change the timeline that runs through all of us.

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Right! I am glad too that I have no time-machine. I think, even if we made something different. If it was meant that you meet your partner, you had met him anyway! I believe that certain “walls” in our house of life are unchangable. It is only the question how and when we enter the room! But I am convinced that we will discover the whole house!
Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a great comment, Hugh!

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What a wonderful thought provoking post Erika. I’ve pondered this deeply, particularly in the past couple of years, which have been the hardest and most testing in my life. And I’ve also come to the conclusion that I’m right where I’m meant to be. With all of the potholes, traumas and heartaches along the way. I’m still on the path. Everything shapes us. Thank you again for a profound and enjoyable read. Hugs xo

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Thank you very much for this valuable comment, Miriam! To be honest, I think that this insight is the most important of all! Because when we realize this we are free to move on, making peace with the past and even appreciate it. This way, we feel less boundaries to any “rules” but to our own inner compass! Huge hugs to you to, Miriam 💖💖

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What a fantastic post, Erika. I kind of agree with your friend but then I also worry that I might not have met the people who are so very important to me. Who knows, right? Maybe I would have. Another time, another place. So in that sense I’m glad that I can’t just go back and do it again and maybe it’s the reason why we can’t do it. Because the way we did it was the perfect way to do it…

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Yes, that is exactly what I feel about too. I don’t want to miss anyone here. Of course, we did not know if it would have turned out differently but now that I know… lol! As you said, I am glad too that going back is no option 😃

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