I think there are only few people who are free of any inner chains or demons. The more I could get rid of some of my inner demons, the more I recognized them in hindsight. I don’t know whether I free myself of them during this lifetime, but it doesn’t matter. They are there to make us overcome them and develop through the experience of this overcoming.

There are quite some monsters still living in me. I know most of them and can call them by name. My goal has been to tackle them one by one. The first monster I sent away was the disability to say NO without feeling insecure, fearful of the reaction, or guilty. Once this attitude had solidified in me, this was the starting point for all further smaller or bigger breakthroughs. Because I had understood that shaping my life was solely in my hands. No matter what comes from the outside, it’s up to me how I deal with it and what I make of it, and no one can stop my inner decisions.

This first (to me a fundamental breakthrough) only made me see the many monsters I have been ruled by for decades – especially, the worst monster that had ever lived in me: The monster of injustice, impression, and dogmatism. It was created from the belief that I had to be perfect and always achieve the greatest results, and only then be a valuable member of society. Along went the fear of not sufficing, being questioned, and being criticized. I lived under the constant pressure of trying to be someone I was not. A side-effect was that my self-esteem shrunk more and more since who I was, could have been, or developed into was not appreciated but even unwanted.

The problem was that this pressure influenced my motherhood dramatically. I kept trying to be perfect in everything like household, raising the kids, and achieving in between what I could. For the longest time, I did not notice that I did not act from a point of inner conviction but only like a programmed machine. When something happened that did not fit my “perfect” plan and picture, something began to take over and I felt under its mercy. It resulted in unfair demonstrations of might and control which I had experienced myself. There was this point of no return before which I could still calm my mind, but there was no chance to stop the program once I crossed that line. From that moment on, I felt like a passenger who had turned into the monster I never wanted to be. I felt torn before, during, and after the breakout. I did not understand myself because that was not who I wanted to be. I began to observe myself to find the triggers and how they made me change. I decided to end this for good or I would destroy my children’s mental health – as mine was damaged. I did not want to pass on the same monsters, I had created.

The only thing I had to do was not give in but change the direction from freaking out to “I can handle this with compassion”. What helped me a lot was not identifying myself anymore with a task, a situation, or any expectations of anyone (not even my own). Plus I tried to put myself in the child’s shoes and no longer expected it to understand me. Once I understood that I was able to change the situation by simply changing my mind, I realized that I was able to change everything about me.

That monster has been dead for about 20 years. I eliminated it with love. The love for my children made me become the mother I always wanted to be – better late than never. Freeing myself of it also made me see it is only under my control who I am. No one can make me think, do, or say anything if I don’t want to. Fear in general began to crumble and my journey to finally become an independent human began peaking in my big breakthrough 15 years ago. Many more monsters have been sent away since, while others have begun to surface in me. But today, I don’t turn around and try to run away (since this does not work) but take the challenge to free myself another bit more.

Is there a monster in you? Is there something you feel in you that does not feel like belonging to you? If there is one, know that it is not meant to stay but only to activate you, make you see, and begin the journey towards the person you want to be. It can happen quickly or in stages. But regardless of the time:

No monster has any power over you if you don’t listen.
No monster has any power over you if you don’t follow its roar but your own voice.

In Love and Light