This post was inspired by a person I got to know during my 9 months at work who is suffering from being neglected, used, oppressed, or simply unappreciated by her own parents. I think it is difficult to imagine how it must feel when you see your sister or brother supported in any possible way and you even have to hang in and support them too because it is expected and demanded. At the same time, you never got that support or attention but it was taken for granted that you co-operate and stand back.
How must a child feel? And what does such a treatment leave? Mostly the effort to please everyone in order to be loved. The clear message implanted in a child is: You are not loved for who you are but accepted for what you do – in case you do it the expected way! Something like that can become so deeply rooted that they are acting that way later on in their daily lives, for example, bosses, co-workers, spouse, relatives, friends, even the children!
The moment comes when those people feel that enough is enough and they finally realize that they are more than what they are made believe all life. They realize that they are entitled to say No (like others do too) and still have the right to be loved and respected (like the others do too). Of course, those people who are used to their subjectedness will be puzzled and maybe react angrily. It can be so hard and it needs a lot of courage to stay strong. The problem is that many start acting against everything on principal. They don’t do anything like those who hurt them so much. They are filled with resentments and driven by revenge. The truth is that they take along the prison they actually thought they had left. But since they are still so focused on those people they are still in their claws because they still feel the need to prove how worthwhile they are. That motivation can lead them to imprudent actions which may feel like punishing those others. But the consequences of not thinking further can be destroyable.
Although most of us can understand the emotions of the former victim. But becoming the bully has never brought peace! It can lead to even bigger problems for themselves and in the end feeling guilty for their own actions too. Resentments and anger never supported anything but only made things worse. Yes, it may hurt so much when you think you are the only one who sees your position. It hurts so much when you take action and detach from your former life and some people in it. But sometimes we need to cut off a piece of ourselves in order to stop the infection and let healing take place.
When we make that step we need to look forward. Looking back only keeps us attached. For sure it will leave a scar but over time we grow out of the old hurt self and find a way to look at it as a part of our lives which made us reach the place we are today. Over time we will more and more realize that it is not about us. We just were the ones they picked because we were there. It is their battle and we need to stop being the used as a shield or even weapon.
Parents are the most important people in a child’s life. The kids will make any effort to have their parents love and attention. It is essential for their survival. The more they need to fight for it the more they will take this conviction into their adulthood. But as an adult, we can step back and see that the times of dependency is over! We don’t need to be hard on ourselves but also it is of no use to blame others for where we are today. That doesn’t make things better. No matter how unfair someone was treated. We can stand up at any time and take responsibility for our own lives. It is a new feeling and of course, it may be scary to do something on our own which we never dared to. But only that way we can free ourselves from the chains of the past and ride towards the sun, the rainbow, the green meadows or wherever we always wished for.
Don’t push yourself into a new dependency caused by hatred and resentments but free yourself from the old dependency. It is not the reality anymore. It is only a thought you were used to believe. Take a deep breath, fill your lungs with fresh air, and dare to live!
Don’t try to be accepted for what you do but know that you are amazing the way you are!
In Love and Light