Mistreated

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This post was inspired by a person I got to know during my 9 months at work who is suffering from being neglected, used, oppressed, or simply unappreciated by her own parents. I think it is difficult to imagine how it must feel when you see your sister or brother supported in any possible way and you even have to hang in and support them too because it is expected and demanded. At the same time, you never got that support or attention but it was taken for granted that you co-operate and stand back. 

How must a child feel? And what does such a treatment leave? Mostly the effort to please everyone in order to be loved. The clear message implanted in a child is: You are not loved for who you are but accepted for what you do – in case you do it the expected way! Something like that can become so deeply rooted that they are acting that way later on in their daily lives, for example, bosses, co-workers, spouse, relatives, friends, even the children!

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The moment comes when those people feel that enough is enough and they finally realize that they are more than what they are made believe all life. They realize that they are entitled to say No (like others do too) and still have the right to be loved and respected (like the others do too). Of course, those people who are used to their subjectedness will be puzzled and maybe react angrily. It can be so hard and it needs a lot of courage to stay strong. The problem is that many start acting against everything on principal. They don’t do anything like those who hurt them so much. They are filled with resentments and driven by revenge. The truth is that they take along the prison they actually thought they had left. But since they are still so focused on those people they are still in their claws because they still feel the need to prove how worthwhile they are. That motivation can lead them to imprudent actions which may feel like punishing those others. But the consequences of not thinking further can be destroyable.

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Although most of us can understand the emotions of the former victim. But becoming the bully has never brought peace! It can lead to even bigger problems for themselves and in the end feeling guilty for their own actions too. Resentments and anger never supported anything but only made things worse. Yes, it may hurt so much when you think you are the only one who sees your position. It hurts so much when you take action and detach from your former life and some people in it. But sometimes we need to cut off a piece of ourselves in order to stop the infection and let healing take place.

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When we make that step we need to look forward. Looking back only keeps us attached. For sure it will leave a scar but over time we grow out of the old hurt self and find a way to look at it as a part of our lives which made us reach the place we are today. Over time we will more and more realize that it is not about us. We just were the ones they picked because we were there. It is their battle and we need to stop being the used as a shield or even weapon.

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Parents are the most important people in a child’s life. The kids will make any effort to have their parents love and attention. It is essential for their survival. The more they need to fight for it the more they will take this conviction into their adulthood. But as an adult, we can step back and see that the times of dependency is over! We don’t need to be hard on ourselves but also it is of no use to blame others for where we are today. That doesn’t make things better. No matter how unfair someone was treated. We can stand up at any time and take responsibility for our own lives. It is a new feeling and of course, it may be scary to do something on our own which we never dared to. But only that way we can free ourselves from the chains of the past and ride towards the sun, the rainbow, the green meadows or wherever we always wished for.

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Don’t push yourself into a new dependency caused by hatred and resentments but free yourself from the old dependency. It is not the reality anymore. It is only a thought you were used to believe. Take a deep breath, fill your lungs with fresh air, and dare to live!

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Don’t try to be accepted for what you do but know that you are amazing the way you are!

In Love and Light

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Author, Poetess, Singer, Mom, Life Explorer, Business Woman, Therapist Remember who you really are and conquer the world the way you always wanted!

52 Comments

Great motivating post Erika! Sadly things like this happens in life a lot more than we think people hide their sufferings behind a smile on the outside. It is a circle that some people has hard time to break, the victim is the only one that can break, the chain having the strength to step out of the that situation. Hope that your co-worker will find that strength somewhere inside and be able to change her situation.

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I hope so too that she finds a way to step back and doesn’t act out of emotions which makes everyting worse. It is so difficult to look at yourself and see that it is yourself you have to blame for what you do. The others may have influenced you but (as you said) it is up to the individual to change something! Thank you for that great comment, Carolina 💖

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Hey, did you write this post for me? You could have… I have not developed bullying habits but the beginning of this post could have been about me. It is hard to find out of it and realize that you are actually a good person, a person that deserves things and most of all: That there is nothing wrong with YOU. It’s not about pointing fingers, you know. It’s about realizing that you are actually good enough. That you are good. That you are not the problem. And then finding a way out of all the habits you have created because of they way you were raised and what was instilled in your system. The constant need to explain yourself, the constantly saying “sorry”, the lack of confidence. It’s a lot. The constant realization that people don’t see what actually happens, they understand, they doubt you. Because, hey, it can’t be that bad… you just made it all up…

And even if you come a long way and have managed to allow yourself to be the person you actually are, surrounded by real people, people who see you for who you are and support YOU, all those habits and doubts still find a way to creep back to you, in your mind. Every now and then. So much energy lost in making sure you don’t let them. So much time wasted by misunderstandings that are created by the habits you try to fight… I could go on and on. Important is to realize that you are not the issue. It’s not about finger pointing but about the realization that the “demon” is not in you, is not you. I could go on and on but I guess that’s more or less all I can and want to say about it 😉

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Sandra, this comment spoke more to me personally than you could imagine!!! Although I was not part of the story in my post, your comment is!! I don’t know where to begin but I could copy your comment 1:1 and it says what I have been working on regarding myself over decades. Yes, keeping up the construct you built up in order to fit what you were taught and fighgting it at the same time. Trying to convince yourself that you are OK the way you are and still explaining yourself to others to make them understand that you are OK. No back up and feeling like a lone warrior. But there is still that spark within you that rebell that doesn’t let you resign although you often think it would be so much easier. One day, this spark becomes a bush fire and burns lots of things down which come close to explosion within but also in your life. It blows off lots of the stuff that was taking your breath more and more. Feeling that liberation makes you see that there is a way and everybody all of a sudden looks at you with big eyes… an you can only smile. It is not that everything is solved but at least all of a sudden there is a way and you get confirmed which motivates you to keep that path up. Setbacks are inevitable but they don’t discourage anymore… because of that stretched mind!
Wow, Sandra, we have even more in common that we already thought! Thank you so much for this comment💖

Liked by 1 person

This is such a strong post, Erika and a lot of hard-truths. Especially when you spoke about the viscous cycle we find ourselves in to “compensate” for being a victim – it is so much better to have clean cut instead and just move forward. And this is not a one time activity.. There will always be situations and people who will back us into that same corner and it is difficult to have strength to move out of it without bending down. A beautiful message and I hope your co-worker finds peace.

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It is definitely one of the hardest things to do, Prajakta. It is already an amazing development to realize this but the decision to make that cut is so difficult because of the consequences that might go along with it. But that is the lesson of self-development. As you said, it happens not only once in life. In the end we might need to develop a healthy attitude to understand that some things are meant to change and that it is for the sake of all in their evolution. I think arrived at that point we don’t even realize that we need to make a cut since we simply flow with life and see all developments as a natural part of it. Awesome inspiration, Prajakta. Thank you 💖

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