Many of us may have lived a life we did not want to live while being a person we did not want to be. But as with many things, we don’t notice that we are not ourselves until something happens that triggers an inner tension. The being we are has become more present and is no longer compatible with the person we pretend to be.

How can we actually become someone we are not and don’t notice it for so long? Looking back, it sounds so weird. But when a child is told to fit into a certain mold, even with humiliation and force, they become used to playing a role to survive. After a while, it is difficult to differ beween the actually shapeless content of the mold and the call from inside that becomes more and more silent. “This is who I have to be. Otherwise, something might be wrong with me.” Since we all want to be accepted and loved, we keep up that destructive way, believing we have to or we are not worthwhile. At least this was my story. A story filled with insecurity and fear. Because I was never sure if I had the correct opinion and did “the right” thing. What you lose is self-esteem, what you build up is self-doubt.

But there comes the moment when we realize that we are more than what we are told. We are entitled to opinions, regardless of what others think of them. As grown-ups, we are entitled to make our own decisions. Because the consequences of decisions we make due to other people’s desires are ours too. We were not born to fulfill other people’s dreams that they could not realize. We are not trophies. We are not clones, nor are we copies. Even though they meant well, it is up to every individual to make their own experiences and find their personal directions in life. Because a copy will always be checking for directions. They need a map written by someone else, which keeps them from discovering their own path.

My children ignited the big turning point in my life. Through them, I realized I was not acting like the mother I wanted to be for them. I was determined to get rid of thought patterns to dig out more of who I really was. And when I was in my late 30s, an explosion blew off the big misunderstanding in me. I am entitled to say yes or no without justifying myself. I am entitled to begin and end something. I am entitled to do what feels good and right to me without asking anyone for permission. And that all became clear because I dropped the fear that held me paralyzed for decades. Whatever I say or do, no one can do anything about it. Even if someone is not happy with what I do, then it is they who need to find a way to deal with their emotions – not my responsibility. I like to repeat what I often say: How others react to you says more about them than about you.

You cannot play a role when you don’t know the script.
The script lies in you, maybe dormant,
until you connect with the being you are.

In Love and Light