Have you experienced that, too? The most profound insights often don’t come with a loud drum roll but silently find a gap to flow into the mind and set a collection of thoughts in motion. One thought after another leads closer, and all of a sudden – BAM– 1000 light bulbs get turned on. Often, you may not even think of the object of your struggle. Then, an apparently random thought leads you forward and suddenly connects the past with the present, and you stand in front of that door you have searched for so long.

In my case, it is how strict and unfair I often treated my children when they were little. I don’t want to go into detail because this post is not about that subject but about finding deep insight. However, you can read more about it here: Feelings of Guilt – My Confession. I worked hard on myself to be the mom I wanted to be for them and not one who others expected me to be. But regardless of how well I thought I developed, I could not forgive myself for the damage I thought was already done. It had haunted me since. I only looked back at particular past situations that broke my heart repeatedly. But I forgot something important: To look at the present situation

Today, our children are all grown-ups and have their own lives. Still, they come to visit frequently, go with us on trips (although they have to pay their part themselves), ask for our advice, include us in their lives and projects, and simply keep connected. We have so much fun together. A few days ago, the above came to my mind, and I thought how thankful I am for the good and close relationship we have with all three of them. I remembered how I was trying to keep a distance, never going on vacation with my family anymore or asking for support. I avoided owing anything, knowing it would get blown up in my face when a situation escalated (again). And then, the 1000 light bulb moment happened because suddenly, I was able to see the situations in comparison.

It had not been too late when I turned the rudder around. Yes, what happened happened, and certainly something will be left. But comparing my relationship with my father to my relationship with my kids makes me realize that I changed the direction of the development early enough and dramatically when I look at today’s results. Maybe I even reversed some damages I may have caused. But I only noticed this in a brief “random” thought flying through my head that led to a bigger picture and finally enabled me to eventually forgive myself.

Although we would love to, we cannot undo the past. We can only make the present better. Our efforts do have an effect. Whatever you regret or feel guilty about in the past, if you really made an effort to change, look at the present and how different things are now. Even when you cannot see through the curtain of guilt yet, don’t lose heart. The picture will be revealed one day for your deeper understanding. By then, simply keep going and trust.

Pay attention!
Maybe a side thought can bring the big revelation
that everything is already well –
when you least expect it.

In Love and Light