Feelings of Guilt – My Confession!

During the past 5 to 6 years I learned a lot about letting go, making peace with the past, and becoming a very tolerant person. But when I read Amanda’s post yesterday I noticed that there is still something lying deep inside that makes me feel guilty. I planned to prepare a post about “Feelings of Guilt” for next Monday. But after what happened last night I have to do it here and now! You will understand right away.

I woke up last night and had a warm funny feeling in my throat. Since I am dealing with high blood pressure I was scared. ( I take medication from time to time under professional supervision). I had my great-grandmother in mind. Her aorta broke and she died of internal bleeding within a short time. Did my blood pressure cause something like that? I got dizzy while lying in bed. My arms and legs got numb. I tried to get up in order to get a glass of water but I immediately fell back into my bed. I knew that my scary thoughts would make it worse. Shall I wake up my husband and have him call the ambulance? But what if this is only some simple weakness I experienced when I was sick or at times as a teenager? I did not wake him. But I started thinking about “what if”… What would be with my children? Do they really know that I love them? Do they know how much they always meant to me? Do they know how sorry I am for all that I did in my stupid attitude of wanting to be the perfect mom only because I had no self-esteem? Or would they feel guilty for any fight we had? Would they even feel guilty because I made them feel guilty in the past?

I guess the first time it happened was January 4, 1999. I will never forget those moments. At that time I was pregnant with my second child. My husband, my daughter (3), and I flew back from Orlando to Buffalo. Since our flight was canceled two days before because of an ice storm in Buffalo we had to change planes in Atlanta. We were even upgraded to business class. When we entered the plane in Atlanta we had dinner. My daughter sat with me. Everything had to go fast because it was a short flight. As soon as everything was on our tables onto cloth napkins my daughter said she had to go to the toilet. I told her that it wasn’t easy now and that she could go after dinner. Since I had to go with her that all was very complicated. She was wining around and instead of simply moving everything away I insisted that she eats first. I even forced her to eat well. Then she said that she peed in her pants – and of course all over the seat. I was so embarrassed and let her clearly know about that. I told her to eat now and that we would take care of it later. But because of all that pressure, she even threw up unexpectedly. Now I was completely overwhelmed. I had my husband help out who was still eating and did not feel too much of a hurry. It was a complete disaster. Instead of calming and comforting her, I blamed my daughter for everything. When we were finally home I realized what I did. When she was in bed I broke down crying and shaking. How could I do that? She was only three and needed my help? I promised myself to never let something like that happen again… But it was only the beginning.

I loved to cuddle my kids whenever possible. As I wrote yesterday I never banned a child from my bedroom when it was scared. When they were sick I was sitting at their beds all night long if necessary. I cared that they got all the support they needed and wanted. I always defended my kids even in front of my father which was one of my big breakthroughs. I never stood up in front of my father because he was dominating me all life long by then. I was afraid of discussions because I was always helplessly lost. But when it came to my kids one day I spoke up clearly.

But there was this other side – the hurt child within me that again and again showed up when things did not go the way I planned it. I always wanted to be perfect in order to prove that I am in control. I was taught to be perfect all life long but “failed” again and again to meet expectations – at least I felt that way. I was the oldest and had the part of a role model as well. Now that I had my own family I started to develop an attitude like “nobody ever tells me anymore what to do – I am in control!”

The poorest one was my middle one. He has been a dreamer which I adored on one hand but also judged on the other hand. He had to be the big one and the reasonable one when my third child was born (there too it started during my pregnancy). He was such a sweet, sensitive, compassionate, and helpful little boy. And thinking back I did not honor that. My daughter always had to be the big one. There was barely mercy when it came to her. With three kids I got so impatient and rude at times when I was overwhelmed and OF COURSE lost control of the schedule. But that was a no-go as I was taught. They had to function and to fulfill what I imagined as a perfect family. I was impatient with them, loud and hot-tempered. And if they did not obey I could get very personal and offensive. I wasn’t myself anymore.

There were many nights when I was crying about my unfair behavior. When all of them were lying in their beds and everything calmed down I saw from a distance what happened. I hated myself and fought a fight with myself. Again I promised to make it better the next day. But the story repeated. I am so, so sorry for that. The memory breaks my heart again. And yes, I am crying right now. But it is ok. It helps move the debris to the surface. These tears are good tears.

Over time I started realizing that there was something within me that kind of took over in times of pressure. I felt like being unable to do anything about it. But when I started working on myself more and more I was able to stop myself at times and remind myself not to do anything I might regret later. That was the beginning I guess when I realized that it is in my hands to change something. It is up to me how things are going and not up to others to change for my benefit. I am the adult, I have the experience, and I am there to lead them.

Of course, I did not constantly distress them. What if the situations when my own past seemed to be mirrored in my life with switched roles? I was shocked when my daughter once said: You are like grandpa! Finally, then I was awakening. I swore I would never treat my children the way I was treated but I did.

I can’t erase what happened. And right that was it what was tearing me apart for many years. I pretty soon understood that I can never blame anyone. What I did was my responsibility only. That was a tough insight when I was in my early 30s but also one that helped me to make changes step by step. First and foremost I started working on myself in order to make it better for my children. I wanted to show them how much of a gift and treasure they are to me. They are part of my heart and all three have a part of my heart within them.

While working on my issues I not only got more liberal and tolerant of my children. I even worked on my own breakthrough. Every step I encountered happenings in my life made me discover my inner beauty and my power. My self-esteem grew. One impacting event was the already mentioned stepping up towards my father when he mortified my son. I finished my daughter being bullied by a classmate and therefore healed my own inner child a little more.

There was one certain insight that released me a lot from feeling guilty: I felt under constant pressure during my childhood and through my teenage years for being the way I was expected to be, actually even longer. But would I be who I am today without breaking free through my own insights – my own effort? No! If I never had to fight I would have never won. The most important, effective, and enduring insights are the ones we make through experience. When are you more proud of yourself? If you passed an exam or if you paid for getting it?

Through all, I learned during the past 5 – 6 years in a challenging crash course of transformation I know that we get the family, the friends, and the culture we need in order to develop what we are supposed to develop. We need to be imprisoned in order to break free and appreciate freedom. We need darkness in order to appreciate light. We need domination in order to liberate ourselves and discover our own value and power. We need to feel what we are in order to make it a deep knowing.

This is not an excuse for what I did. I am definitely not proud of it. But today I know that I needed my issues in order to become who I am today. I know that my children will make their experiences in order to develop themselves! My daughter is turning 20 this year and I couldn’t be any prouder about this beautiful young woman full of self-esteem and self-determination with a lovely sense of justice for others. My sons are developing in their own perfect direction. I am here today to simply encourage them to be who they want to be and to support that. They are not supposed to be anything or anyone. I couldn’t love them more.

Of course, we are still having arguments. I will always get mad when my son gets up from the table and leaves all the dishes just there. Or when my daughter occupies half of the house with her stuff. I will always get mad when they just drop their bags when they come home or when they walk around the house with their dirty shoes while I try to keep everything clean. That’s about house rules and mutual respect.

This post shall show that we all are having issues. I am glad I found an outlet with this post to let go of another shard. I accept that I am not perfect and I even don’t want to be it. But I am aware that I am not and I do my best to spread the love I finally found in myself right because of everything I experienced. We all are doing things at times we might regret later. But feeling guilty doesn’t help. It only weakens us and keeps us from growing out of ourselves. We cannot erase the past, but we can learn from it in order to make it better now. If you feel sorry, say it NOW! Don’t postpone it. You never know …