It is five years ago that I wrote the following post. I think, reminding ourselves that it is in our own hands to direct our destiny fits well for the first Monday post of this new year. 

Lately, I had a discussion with my youngest son about receiving respect and being taken seriously by others regarding the constant competition between him and his older brother. For a teenager, there is a lot to cope with, for example, the changes that happen to your body, and at the same time to your developing confused mind. Then there is the pressure of school and the decisions about what to do after (another school, apprenticeship,…) which goes along with the challenge of getting an apprenticeship place. A lot to deal with that life brings naturally.

And then there is the homemade pressure like the competition under each other (siblings, friends): who is the coolest or the smartest? This again can result in mutual offendings. At one point, it was one offense too much, and the one who cannot bear it anymore freaks out or is deeply hurt. On the outside, they appear cool and sublime, while it is very painful for them, and they still try to stand tall and top their counterpart… until that last straw breaks the camel’s back. Crazy how we torture ourselves!

It is definitely not a particular teenager problem. Don’t we all want to be respected for who we are? Don’t we all want to be taken seriously without fighting for it? Often it seems impossible when we have to deal with people in our families or at work who don’t care about that need but only enjoy being on top of everyone and making others feel smaller just because they can! I even dare to say that they mostly don’t do it on purpose. It happens reflexively. When others try to get more respect by joining the game, the dominant person feels, even more, provoked to keep up their behavior.

If we want respect, we need to play our own game. Every action causes a reaction. When we are not happy with our counterpart’s reaction, maybe we need to change our own actions and reactions. I said to my son: “If you want to stop your brother from telling you how dumb you are, then stop telling him in return how dumb he is, or he will keep up proving that you are dumber! And you know, rhetoric and finding arguments are his strength. So you won’t win that battle. Instead, make him a compliment and see what happens next. There is nothing he will say against it, AND why should he say something mean to you since you said something honestly nice to him? That way, you take the wind out of his sails.”

If you want to be respected, then respect others. If you want others to take you seriously, then take others seriously. It may take a little, but it has an effect from the first moment on. When we keep up our changed attitude and react differently or don’t react at all, a change will happen. The funny thing is that the other one might not even notice that change. If people are bothering us over and over again, it doesn’t make sense to act like they do and at the same time hope that they will stop their behavior. Either we tell them, and/or we work the switches in sending out different signals.

In the end, who is the winner?
The one who adjusts the sails or the one who blows into them?

In Love and Light