Were you ever in a great and happy mood and then out of the blue you were flushed by feelings that caused a deep sadness? And you don’t even know why? That happened to me last Friday. We had great weather, I was happy and cheerful, and all of a sudden I had a song in mind that I did not hear for years. I love that song a lot but while I started singing it heavy desperation kicked in and I didn’t know why.
Deep feelings of regret rose up like boiling milk and I couldn’t do anything about it. It was like a film that played within me. I saw all the people I hurt in the past. Years back I thought it was about those people, but it wasn’t. It was my unhappiness about the injuries I experienced for decades. I saw myself receiving offending and humiliation. I saw myself storing them inside of me because I found no way to leave them in the outside world. I hid them one by one and years over years. Whenever later a situation came up which triggered one of those suppressed frustrations I reacted defensively. I felt neglected and repulsed. That made me develop an attitude of desperately and aggressively trying to make me seen and to have my needs met. I put people in charge of my missing self-esteem, feeling not respected, feeling helpless, and the emptiness within me. I fought people who did not have anything to do with the origin of this behavior. I fought people who loved me, people I was in charge of, and people who were there for me unconditionally. But my deeply hurt inner child simply called for being heard which the grown-up me did not recognize and therefore blamed the person in front of me. This all coming down on me in an instant made me cry heavily – but also very peacefully. Everything seemed to liquefy. It was not pain but more like this comforting feeling of being hugged and allowed to finally let everything go, even the slightest grain of sand. It was like pulling the plug and letting all the dirty water go until nothing was left anymore.
Actually, I already have been at peace with that past. I had no resentment against anyone anymore. But the root which caused the feeling of being repulsed still showed up in certain situations. Having this song showing up and me not fighting the tears brought the leftovers up to the surface. It was time to finally let go. I was open and receptive and after this cleansing, I feel healed and whole now in a never known way. It is like losing weight I did not even know I was carrying around.
We are not our thoughts, we are not our emotions, our injuries, wounds, and scars. They are not part of our being. Our being only experiences this all. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be possible to let go. Otherwise, it would not be possible to change our thoughts, our perceptions, and attitudes. Otherwise, development wasn’t possible.
Later I was thinking why that song? Recalling the lyrics all of a sudden I understood. It was like a conversation with my inner child. It was crying for me and I was crying for finally embracing and accepting it as I full-fledged part of myself. I can feel clearly that we are finally one. In the end, this feeling of reuniting, of being whole, of forgiving, and being forgiven was the reason I cried everything out which was standing between us. But at the same time, there is nothing standing between anyone and me anymore.
Why am I telling you this now? Everything will be cleared out when the time has come when you are ready to see and to let go consciously. But most of all when you stop fighting yourself. Fighting, blaming, and forcing yourself only results in more fights, more hurting others, and therefore more feelings of guilt which you store again within. That way you yourself stand in your way. Stop fighting! How can you ever win, when you fight yourself?
When there is something you don’t understand about yourself then listen to yourself. Accept that there is something that may need some time to slip more and more toward the surface of your mind in order to become sensible and visible. Embrace your inner hurt child, love it, be understanding and tell it that it may tell you from now on everything it had to keep in for so long. Open up to your inner child, and let it cry. This is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of healing! In becoming one with your inner child the demons of the past lose their living space.
In Love and Light!